My fantasies about my wife

This fantasy was born in me during our vacation. I was sitting in the room and thinking while my wife was sleeping. We have been married for 7 years. We were both happy with everything, everything was like an ordinary family. But now I began to have thoughts that excited and frightened me at the same time. It was during our vacation that I wanted my wife to end up in the arms of another man.

And I passionately wanted it to be a black man. My wife Esther had never gone beyond anything unusual in sex. Therefore, when I imagined her with another man, I immediately imagined fire, passion and debauchery.

It seemed to me that in his arms my wife could become another woman. At first, I drove these fantasies away, but they became stronger and stronger during our vacation. I could not explain why the image of a black man became central to my dreams.

Perhaps it was due to the exoticism, to something unknown that attracted me. Or maybe it was a way to challenge myself, to test my boundaries, my control, or the boundaries of our marriage. I was torn apart by an inner conflict. I loved my wife more than life itself. But there was something boring and routine about our love. Maybe it was because we got married so young.

I was afraid that my desire was like a betrayal of our marriage. I thought that Esther might think that I wanted to divorce her, that she no longer satisfied me. But on the other hand, I thought that this was not a betrayal, but a gift. A gift to both of us.

I imagined how my wife would open up to a black guy. I saw her in my fantasies as confident and free. It would be like getting to know each other all over again. But how to approach such a conversation? How to explain to my wife that my love has not diminished, but has become so deep that I`m ready to share it with someone else?

I was afraid of her reaction: anger, disgust, pain. What if she thought I wanted this out of selfishness? What if she thought I no longer saw her as sexy? But at the same time, I felt like I couldn’t keep quiet. This fantasy had become part of me.

I started looking for ways to get Esther to embrace the idea. Maybe we could start by talking about adventures? About how we could try something new?

I ran through scenarios in my head. So I imagined her being shocked and then becoming thoughtful. I thought about how we could set rules, how we could make this fun. But I was afraid to speak up every time. I was afraid she would see me as someone other than the man she married. And yet I feel like this conversation is inevitable because I want to be honest with her, and with myself.