I’ve had a bad day because any day you start to truely doubt yourself is a bad one.
I feel like I play with fire everytime I come here, yet, everyday I find myself back here again. I find myself having the same thoughts and giving myself the same reminders I always do. I love my husband, my marriage, my family and I love them all deeply. For the protection, security and love they give me. yet here I sit, in the ealry hours, typing out my frustraitions again. Trying to assure myself once again Feeling like a cheater, a liar and a horrible person. Rinse repeat. All in the name of bbc. Something I have never had. Something that isonly for a pleasure, guaranteed to wreck me mentally and for all I know, physically.
What is it? what is the pull? In my life I have absolutely everything I could need. So why is something that I merely desire becoming such a disruptive force on my psyche ? Why does it keep a woman up, out of her husbands bed? out of the fields of vision of her children?
Some days I just wonder who the real me is


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